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Shooting From The Hip
Observations From The Outside
Loved, Yet Completely Alone 
28th-Jan-2007 11:32 pm
Device
You know I don't talk a lot about what it was like for me growing up gay, but it wasn't easy. Yeah, you know, I was surrounded by all you guys, this whole family, but I still felt completely alone. I said no to Tommy 'cause I don't want to bring a kid into this world that would feel different or ashamed. I don't want him to go through what I did.

—Kevin Walker, Brothers & Sisters


John once told me that when you come out, you get to start life all over again. Your first year equals that of a 1-year-old—everything is brand new and it is this whole new life fills you with wonder. You explore, you test, and you relish every moment—every experience. As the years go on, your coming out process pretty much equals a human's typical maturation process. Of course, when John told me this, he was 17 at the time. (That is in "gay years." In normal time he was about 32.)

This year I will be 12. I'm hitting the time of "puberty" and teenage angst. The feelings of being alone and lost. Not knowing what you're doing or how you fit into the grand scheme of things or even why you're feeling what you're feeling. I hated it the first time around.

I hate the fact that I don't feel like I fit in anywhere. Everyone tells me that I do, but I don't feel it. I'm a freakin outsider. I have no one to relate to. I'm excluded from the "women's club" because: [a] I am physically a male and therefore excluded from most discussions (because it's "girly stuff") and/or [b] I'm not physcially attracted to them whatsoever and therefore not worth their time.

The "men's club" is even worse because: [a] they think that you're only interested in having sex with them and that squiks them out; [b] they think you don't have any interest in "manly" activities; and/or [c] you're just too "girly" for them. And then there's the part where they're fine with you being gay in private, but heaven forbid they even acknowledge you in a public forum. Suddenly you're poison. Nope, can't do anything that's not heavily testosteroned here. Don't want to catch "the gay!"

Gods! Suddenly I've become the "disease of the week."

I can totally understand Kevin's speech. There are people around me who care for me and love me, and yet in spite of all that I feel totally alone. When the difference is on the outside, people totally know how to react to you. When its on the inside you get lost in the shuffle. So you have to talk about it to get the inside outside. What do you do when nobody talks? Then it gets stuck inside and you somehow have to figure it out on your own.

I hate teenage angst.
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