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Shooting From The Hip
Observations From The Outside
For The Fool It Called A Home 
25th-Jun-2007 10:36 pm
I don't like mind-numbing work. It does nothing to engage your brain and keep it focused. If anything, it allows it to wander and think on other things not work related. I'm not sure I like where my brain has been going lately. For the most part I have been reliving all the events that lead up to my eventual coming out, and I have been searching for shows and movies and stories that reflect my current area of interest. Questions, feelings, and thoughts have been surfacing and I'm not sure how I should be dealing with them; how I should be answering them.

The thing that bothers me the most is that I'm not sad nor am I depressed, and yet I'm not happy and at peace. I'm feeling just a bit out of sorts and odd. It's like I want to sit down and have a heart-to-heart personal conversation with someone without knowing exactly what I'm suppose to say to whoever that person is. Besides, who would even understand me?

I am envious of people who go through the growing-up process with nary a bat of an eyelash and everything just seems to fall into place. They have no questions and it never appears to come back and haunt them. Me, I just feel like I'm doomed to forever relive my life, always trying to make sense of it and never finding the answer to end the quest. I'm always going to be 28 trying to recover my life when it ended at 16. It hasn't happened yet, and I doubt it ever will.
26th-Jun-2007 05:14 pm (UTC)
Brother, You think to much.
Step out side in the nasty heat of this summer day. Look right and then left. see the things that are nice. look up *but not at the sun* and think about the sky.

when you get back in... look at the news online.. at least you are not Paris Hilton.
26th-Jun-2007 05:42 pm (UTC)
I wish I could be that unthinkingly simple. I wish I could turn my brain off. I wish I didn't "feel" so strongly. I wish I could end it.
26th-Jun-2007 07:26 pm (UTC)
Brother it is never easy to turn it off, but ones sanity needs the kind breaks.

I will never ask you to forget.. but maybe set it aside for a bit. If people are involved... take a break from them... or hit them with a rolled-up newspaper.
27th-Jun-2007 02:25 am (UTC)
Unfortunately it is nothing that would involve swatting at people. Much of it is internal with memories and feelings that keep going around and around. I just wish I knew how to get those chaotic thoughts out of my head.
27th-Jun-2007 05:03 pm (UTC)
thoughts out of my head...

What makes us human... memories. Brother, not all memories are good. One (in)famous person even said "that life is painful, but interspersed with enjoyable potholes."

Remeber the good things, remember the laughter, remember the triumph you created. you are a good and strong man. do not doubt that.

memories haunt us from time to time. Talk with your trusted friends... or talk to a councilor. but talking and communicating does help.
27th-Jun-2007 12:53 pm (UTC)
"I am envious of people who go through the growing-up process with nary a bat of an eyelash and everything just seems to fall into place."

Does that ever happen, though? I think everyone has some moment or some event they keep reliving. Something that comes up at the most inopportune time.

In any event, I completely understand what you're feeling -- not sad or depressed, but not happy and go-lucky, either.

The best you can do is try to refocus your brain on something brighter and know that you have people around who dig you.

I also advise that you drink heavily (just kidding)... :-) Don't drink heavily. Unless it's water... then drink alot it... cause it's friggin' hot today!!!

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