I don't like mind-numbing work. It does nothing to engage your brain and keep it focused. If anything, it allows it to wander and think on other things not work related. I'm not sure I like where my brain has been going lately. For the most part I have been reliving all the events that lead up to my eventual coming out, and I have been searching for shows and movies and stories that reflect my current area of interest. Questions, feelings, and thoughts have been surfacing and I'm not sure how I should be dealing with them; how I should be answering them.
The thing that bothers me the most is that I'm not sad nor am I depressed, and yet I'm not happy and at peace. I'm feeling just a bit out of sorts and odd. It's like I want to sit down and have a heart-to-heart personal conversation with someone without knowing exactly what I'm suppose to say to whoever that person is. Besides, who would even understand me?
I am envious of people who go through the growing-up process with nary a bat of an eyelash and everything just seems to fall into place. They have no questions and it never appears to come back and haunt them. Me, I just feel like I'm doomed to forever relive my life, always trying to make sense of it and never finding the answer to end the quest. I'm always going to be 28 trying to recover my life when it ended at 16. It hasn't happened yet, and I doubt it ever will.